A few nights ago I came home and let Jax out of his crate. This is usually a joyful reunion for us. His brushy tail wags, he prances out with his head down and presses himself against my knees. I caress him and he melts under my touch and we spend a few sweet minutes greeting each other before I take him outside.
But a few nights ago - he came slowly out of his crate, let me rub his ears, then looked up in shock at my face and ran back into his crate. I was astonished at first, it was such strange behavior for him. I talked to him but then thought, "well, it's late, maybe he's tired." I sat at my desk for awhile, and Jax watched me from his crate - like he had to keep his eyes on me in case, in case, I don't know, in case I decided to hurt him?
The next morning I released him from his crate and he pranced out like normal. I rubbed his ears. He came to me and let me caress him, then suddenly he bit my hand and his teeth started chattering. His eyes were wild. He ran back to his crate and stared at me. When I approached the crate, talking to him, he scrunched himself up against the back wall of the crate, lifted his nose high in the air and stared at me, eyes rolling. Then he slid down onto his back and lifted his leg, exposing his belly.
I asked my husband for help. He brought Jax out of the crate and Jax behaved normally, pushing his nose against my husband's hand, asking for a pet. Then Jax wandered over to me, put his front paws on my lap and let me rub his ears. Suddenly, his head shot up and he started snapping at me again, his eyes wild. He ran back to my husband and pressed himself against Patrick's legs, staring back at me as if I were a dangerous stranger.
Patrick and I tried to reason through this weird behavior. It was the 4th of July, maybe the sounds of firecrackers and fireworkers had scared the dog?
This morning Jax came quietly out of his crate, and has been avoiding me most of the day. Once or twice he has solicited my attention, but quickly reverts to his wild, terrified behavior, snapping the air repeatedly around me, then slinking away to watch me warily from a corner of the room.
Patrick gets down on the floor and plays with Jax - throwing a ball, playing tug with a rag, roughhousing, and Jax loves it. If I call his name, he doesn't even look at me.
It sounds weird, but my feelings are so hurt by his behavior. I love this dog. For nearly a year now, I have lived with this dog, walked this dog, trained this dog, played with him, massaged him, cuddled with him, watched him learn and grow and change. He was so placid and trusting with me, he would lay on the floor while I massaged his whole body. I could play with his toes, and tussle with him, pull him along the tile by his back feet and roll him around. He would often press his face into my lap and sigh with pleasure while I rubbed his silky ears and stroked his fur and massaged his scrawny little body. If I took my hands off him, he'd prod my hands with his nose.
Now he thinks I'm a dangerous stranger, and he has become a dangerous stranger to me.
I think of him, as an innocent 4 week old puppy, stolen from his mother and siblings, taken to a home where he was hurt and isolated and scared. He didn't have to be damaged this way. I don't think he was born damaged. People made him that way. Because of this damage he can't live with people. Because of this damage he probably cannot live with me anymore. And there is no place else for him. There is only one way out, and it's breaking my heart.
postscript July 11 - After 4 days of almost constant firecrackers and fireworks in the neighborhood and town, we believe Jax was terrified out of his mind. He didn't feel safe, and when he tried to hide, and I tried to connect with him, he snapped at me to tell me to leave him alone. Once the holiday weekend was over, and the noises stopped, Jax became his normal self. "Normal" being sweet with the members of our family and fearful of everyone outside the family. I am so relieved to have my sweet dog back, even though I know he's still damaged and a risk. To have him prance daintily up to me and slide down on the floor while I rub his ears does both of our hearts good.
